The Empty Seat

I miss my grandma.  There have been a number of occasions recently where I became painfully aware of the empty seat next to my grandfather.  Something I thought might help get me through my graduation ceremony was to wear a broach she gave me from her grandmother.  My cousin Jodi also recently graduated from her college program, and she too noticed the empty seat.  Jodi and I talked at length about how proud Grandma would be if she was here.

Another major event is my brother's upcoming wedding this Saturday.  What an amazing, joyous occasion, and we will undoubtedly celebrate his step into the union of marriage.  My brother asked my grandfather to offer thanks over the reception dinner, and he declined because he wasn't sure he'd make it through.  My grandpa's grief just compounds mine.  I physically feel my heart hurting when I see the sadness and pain he has because he misses her, too.

The struggle for me really comes when my beliefs about the "afterlife" don't necessarily allow me to believe she was with Jodi and I or will be at Pete's wedding this weekend.  Not because I don't believe it's possible.  I just don't know about how the afterlife works.  Can she be with us?

The Bible says there will be no pain in heaven. Revelation 21:4 says, "He will wipe every tear from their eyes.  There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?????

I don't have an answer.  The questions I've always had about heaven revolve around this verse.  As I'm writing this, I'm thinking how silly I have been to believe emotions are experienced the same in heaven.  I've been projecting onto her my sadness about her being gone.  Maybe she is aware of the joyous occasions in our life.  She may even be aware of the painful experiences we have, but being with God allows her the foresight to know how those painful experiences will shape us.

Is she with us, though?  Another question for which I have no answer.  I know God's with us.  I get and believe that concept.  I'm sure there's a very good reason God keeps us in the dark about the afterlife and heaven.  Perhaps our finite minds cannot fathom the reality.  I mean, look at what my mind has done with just one verse.

There's a verse (I think in Psalms, but I'm too lazy to look it up) about how we are citizens of heaven and how Jesus will transform our bodies to be like his.  So my next question is, am I super duper selfish for wishing she was still here?  I mean, God rejoices in the death of a believer.  I know we have no knowledge of the true fate of anyone after death, and I'm not pretending to be God when I say this, but I'm certain my grandma is with God.

She and my grandpa are one of the main reasons I came to believe.  Why?  Not because they taught me the text of the bible. They did, but that's not why I believe.  My grandma and grandpa LIVED for Christ.  They had great pains and sorrows, but they reveled in the joys of life and never did I see them falter.

So that's that.  I miss Grandma.

• I miss calling her while I'm driving home from work only to have her scold me about talking on the phone while driving.  
• I miss how she would sneak pieces of my mom's fruit pie (she was diabetic) at family gatherings. 
• I miss how she managed to love each and every one of her grandchildren in a special way--and made us feel special about that love.  The significance of that one is just how enormous my family is. 
• I miss her beautiful alto voice.
• I miss her unconditional love. 

There's really no more to say.