The Empty Seat

I miss my grandma.  There have been a number of occasions recently where I became painfully aware of the empty seat next to my grandfather.  Something I thought might help get me through my graduation ceremony was to wear a broach she gave me from her grandmother.  My cousin Jodi also recently graduated from her college program, and she too noticed the empty seat.  Jodi and I talked at length about how proud Grandma would be if she was here.

Another major event is my brother's upcoming wedding this Saturday.  What an amazing, joyous occasion, and we will undoubtedly celebrate his step into the union of marriage.  My brother asked my grandfather to offer thanks over the reception dinner, and he declined because he wasn't sure he'd make it through.  My grandpa's grief just compounds mine.  I physically feel my heart hurting when I see the sadness and pain he has because he misses her, too.

The struggle for me really comes when my beliefs about the "afterlife" don't necessarily allow me to believe she was with Jodi and I or will be at Pete's wedding this weekend.  Not because I don't believe it's possible.  I just don't know about how the afterlife works.  Can she be with us?

The Bible says there will be no pain in heaven. Revelation 21:4 says, "He will wipe every tear from their eyes.  There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?????

I don't have an answer.  The questions I've always had about heaven revolve around this verse.  As I'm writing this, I'm thinking how silly I have been to believe emotions are experienced the same in heaven.  I've been projecting onto her my sadness about her being gone.  Maybe she is aware of the joyous occasions in our life.  She may even be aware of the painful experiences we have, but being with God allows her the foresight to know how those painful experiences will shape us.

Is she with us, though?  Another question for which I have no answer.  I know God's with us.  I get and believe that concept.  I'm sure there's a very good reason God keeps us in the dark about the afterlife and heaven.  Perhaps our finite minds cannot fathom the reality.  I mean, look at what my mind has done with just one verse.

There's a verse (I think in Psalms, but I'm too lazy to look it up) about how we are citizens of heaven and how Jesus will transform our bodies to be like his.  So my next question is, am I super duper selfish for wishing she was still here?  I mean, God rejoices in the death of a believer.  I know we have no knowledge of the true fate of anyone after death, and I'm not pretending to be God when I say this, but I'm certain my grandma is with God.

She and my grandpa are one of the main reasons I came to believe.  Why?  Not because they taught me the text of the bible. They did, but that's not why I believe.  My grandma and grandpa LIVED for Christ.  They had great pains and sorrows, but they reveled in the joys of life and never did I see them falter.

So that's that.  I miss Grandma.

• I miss calling her while I'm driving home from work only to have her scold me about talking on the phone while driving.  
• I miss how she would sneak pieces of my mom's fruit pie (she was diabetic) at family gatherings. 
• I miss how she managed to love each and every one of her grandchildren in a special way--and made us feel special about that love.  The significance of that one is just how enormous my family is. 
• I miss her beautiful alto voice.
• I miss her unconditional love. 

There's really no more to say.

God is Forgiving

I love God.  I went to my mom's corporate worship yesterday and listened to a sermon about forgiveness.  I'll admit, I was a little preoccupied with babies and toddlers crying around me, but I think I picked up the metamessage he was trying to pass along.  He talked about how we, as Christians, need to be forgiving of one another as an example to the world of what forgiveness looks like.  The verse he was working from is Matthew 18:21-22:


Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”   Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy times seven times.

The preacher said he believes the commandment of forgiveness is up in the top five commandments along with the Greatest Command.  I have to agree, and I would even go farther to say that forgiveness of others IS loving others.  


The part I was hoping to hear most in the sermon was about forgiving those who are not Christians.  He may have said it.  Remember I was busy with babies.  

I don't know if I've ever stated this, but I believe the Bible is truth.  I also know I interpret passages (as everyone does) to meet the needs of my life--so they make sense to me and are applicable.  For instance in Matthew 7:2-4

For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.  “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?  How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?

Obviously, I've never had a plank in my eye (but I understand the metaphor).   Moving on.     

Right before his death, Jesus made a plea to God about those who were crucifying him--forgive them.  He was asking God to forgive non-Christians.  I'm going to avoid the controversial route of what I believe and talk to those who believe salvation comes through acceptance of Christ and acceptance of Christ only.  I, too, believe this, but I have caveats, and I wish to avoid that argument for the time being.  So how can God forgive those who are not Christians?  Isn't that the very meaning of the unsaved.  Quite the contrary, I believe.  Salvation and forgiveness are not the same.  (Note:  I edited the definition for forgive to remove those definitions containing the word "pardon."  I think we tread muddy waters when we move from forgiveness to pardon.)
 

sal·va·tion

1. the act of saving or protecting from harm, risk, loss, destruction, etc.

2. the state of being saved or protected from harm, risk, etc.

3. a source, cause, or means of being saved or protected from harm, risk, etc.

4. Theology . deliverance from the power and penalty of sin; redemption.

for·give 

to cease to feel resentment against: to forgive one's enemies.

Okay, can we see they are a little different? Here's my opinion, God can forgive those who are non-Christian.  Jesus asks Him to do just that when he was being crucified in Luke 23:34:

Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”

I think, if God can forgive non-Christians, we NEED to forgive the non-Christians.  Live as resurrected people.  Love God, love others, forgive others, forgive ourselves.  

How I know I'm forgiven?  He gave me these people.

God is Love

When I started this blog a couple of years ago, my plan was to further examine my faith.  When I lived in Canada, I started a project about all of the words that can be used to describe God.  Outside of the words referring to God specifically, through Hebrew or Greek language, as Savior, Messiah, Father, Yahweh... you know. 

I'm not sure how I never got to what I consider the MOST IMPORTANT characteristic of God in my personal life--LOVE. 

1 John 4:8--Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.


Psalm 36:7--How priceless is your unfailing love, O God! People take refuge in the shadow of your wings.

Psalm 86:15--But you, Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.

Psalm 136:2--Give thanks to the God of gods. His love endures forever.
  
Matthew 22:37--Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ 

Mark 12:30--Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’

Luke 10:27--He answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’ ; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’

John 3:16--For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

John 16:27--No, the Father himself loves you because you have loved me and have believed that I came from God.

Romans 5:5--And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

Romans 5:8-- But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Romans 8:39--neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

That's just a snippet.  In the New International Version (NIV) of the Bible, the word love is mentioned 551 times. 

Here's what I interpret the Bible to say about God's love.  God loves us.  God loves us a whole lot.  Like enough to send His son to die for our sins because He loves us so much.  God wants us to love others.  If we love others, it brings us closer to God.   God COMMANDS Christians to love others.  Jesus made this point clear by reminding his apostles that this is the greatest command.  Like, above the ten commandments.  Whoa.  There's a command above the ten commandments?  That's what I've interpreted from the passages in the New Testament.

Here's what I interpret the Bible to say about salvation.  Jesus took care of that for us.  It's not our job to save others.  It's our job to love others with the love of Jesus and to be an example of the love of Christ.  If I love others with the love of Jesus, I am demonstrating my belief in God to others.  I am also demonstrating the peace and freedom I have received through my belief. 

I also know not everyone believes in the same God I do, or they don't believe in the same Savior as I do if they do believe in the same God.  (Islam and Judaism both worship the same God I do.  GASP).  Allah=creator of Adam and Eve, father of Abraham, Master and Commander of the Universe.  I think most Western Christians understand the relationship of Judaism and Christianity enough to understand that we are worshipping the same God. 

Despite our varying beliefs, I am still commanded to love God and love others.  Above all else.  Love God and love others.  Love God and love others.  Love God and love others.  It's that important to me.  I don't get to judge.  I don't get to condemn.  I get to love.  What an amazing gift I have received.

I believe God shares our joys AND our sorrows.  I believe He laughs when we laugh and cries when we cry.  I guess I'm writing this because my heart aches for those who believe in a God who sent his son to die on the cross but don't understand my interpretation of God's greatest commandment.  A part of me wants to slip into the judgment and condemnation because it makes me so angry to see my fellow Christians hurting those who are not Christians.  We may be called to hate behaviors or actions (that's very loosely interpreted in my opinion), but we are never called to hate "nonbelievers."  LOVE.  LOVE.  LOVE. 

I grew up a member of the Church of Christ and am grateful for the foundation laid by my family members during my youth which I was able to build and expand upon in adulthood.  Part of the COC doctrine is that we spend some time during corporate worship praising God through a cappella singing.  One song I love is called

The Greatest Commands

Alto:
Love one another, for love is of God.
He who loves is born of God;
And knows God.
He who does not love, does not know God,
For God is love, God is love, God is love.

Bass:
Love bears all things,
Believes all things,
Love hopes all things,
Endures all things.

Tenor:
God is love, God is love, God is love.
God is love, God is love, God is love.
God is love, God is love, God is love,
God is love, God is love, God is love.

Soprano:
Love the Lord thy God with all thy heart,
With all thy soul, all thy strength,
All thy mind.
Love the Lord thy God with all thy heart,
For God is love, God is love, God is love.

Whoa!  Radical!  I'm going to end with a passage from a paper I recently wrote about my understanding of spirituality right now.  Maybe it will explain my views a little better.

Understanding of spirituality and religion now

God does not hate, but he is sad when humankind lives in war, anger, and pain 

God cries when I cry

I can be a Christian and still:

o   Practice meditation

o   Dance

o   Listen to instrumental music

o   Drink in moderation

o   Have a mental illness

o   Seek therapy or need psychotropic medications

o   Be in the company of others with other religious or non-religious views AND be friends and love them

God sent Jesus to be the savior-it’s not my job or calling to save anyone

God wants me to love everyone

Everyone has a gift—mine comes from my understanding of my God and has the purpose of leading my life

God would never condone murdering or rage or hatred against others with different beliefs (especially in His name) and made that quite clear in the New Testament

The New Testament carries more weight than the Old Testament for my personal practice

I can hold hands and live in harmony with atheists

My understanding of God is not everyone’s understanding of God, the world, or anything that is greater than this world

One other--this might make some people angry, so if you're sensitive to political jargon you should refrain from reading further.





I believe Jesus would agree with communism as an ideal society.  This is not communism in the political jargon-y sense so much as communism in the sense of "What mine is yours, and what's yours is mine."  Everything we have is a gift from God, and we are called to share our gifts and talents.  We are not called to build wealth for houses, cars, boats, or even college.  Maybe in another blog I'll explain further about my belief in Jesus as a communist.  I've got plenty of verses to back me up.  :)  I also believe Jesus was a social worker. 

Senioritis

Senioritis is a very real disorder.  I'm sure if I look hard enough, I'll be able to find it in the DSM-IV-TR.  Research should probably be conducted to reveal the number of people affected by senioritis nationwide.  I mean, really, everyone I know has had some experience with the desire to be finished with some task met by the pressure to actually finish.  For me, the result is a mediocre attempt to maintain my motivation long enough to make it through the last day.

Friday is my last day at my practicum.  Never, in my wildest dreams, did I envision feeling any sort of sadness or anxiety about ending an internship at a state psychiatric hospital.  What's wrong with me?! 

Grad school is preparation for the professional world, and my work at Rainbow has enforced my confidence to enter the professional world successfully.  I keep saying I don't want to rule out a doctorate, but for right now, I'm ruling it out.  When I was finishing my undergrad, I KNEW I didn't want anymore school.  Now that I'm finishing grad school, I KNOW I don't want anymore school.  HA!  I guess we'll see.

So I'm looking for a cure for senioritis.  I'm picturing a future dissertation (for someone else).  Surely the suffering of millions would be alleviated by a cure for this crippling illness.

So I was thinking

Many of my sorority sisters and friends have joined the blogging world. I'm so intrigued and fascinated by their blog posts, but what would I ever have to write about? I don't have babies or a husband. Shoot, I don't even have a job, yet. I'm a graduate student with a dog and a cat. So I'm thinking about revamping this blog to reflect what's going on in my life. Maybe something about job hunting/social justice/single living in your late 20's? Any thoughts? Also, because no post is ever complete without pictures, here are some pictures between my last post (after visiting Croatia) and now. What a year, and what a ride!This little one made her way into my life. What a special addition to the family Daisy has been.My beautiful, wonderful, amazing, inspirational grandmother, Eleanor, passed away on October 14, 2010. My heart still aches when I think of how much I miss this incredible woman.My grandfather asked me to take this picture because of how beautiful her casket looked. A beautiful casket for a beautiful woman. I'm so glad I did--not because I think her earthly burial matters to her eternal self but because being able to provide this beautiful celebration of her life meant the world to my grandfather. Who means the world to me.
This is from May 2008. Such a good day!




Then came Christmas. We added a new family member, Jenn, who is Pete's new fiance. The wedding is June 25th in Branson, MO, and we could not be more excited!

Who could forget about this precious little guy? Itchy's shacking up with Grandma and Grandpa Kay until I have a place where Itchy and Daisy can co-exist.

When I got back to my practicum at Rainbow Mental Health Facility in January, this was waiting on my office door. I was reminded of how blessed I am to have fabulous, caring coworkers!

This was a sad year for grandparents. On February 27, 2011, my Nana received her angel wings, too. It's horribly sad, and my heart aches for her as well. I find comfort knowing I have two of my biggest fans in life as guardian angels now.

On May 20, 2011, I will finally receive my Master's hood! It seems like years of hard work went into finally getting this degree, and I can use prayers for the final push. Here is a picture to remind everyone in my life that, once a wildcat, always a wildcat.

God is.. all knowing

Sharing time with Andrijana, a very special friend

Most of us are familiar with the verse from Jeremiah 29:11--"'For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"

I remember the first time I was introduced to this verse. See, I was taught the Bible from a very young age. Through my church growing up, I participated in quiz bowl type events about particular Bible verses, but this was not a verse I was ever taught. In reality, I did not become familiar with many of the comforting words of God until after I started college. The first time I read Jeremiah 29:11 was when a good friend of mine gave me a card that was full of her favorite encouraging Bible verses. For some reason, this one has always stood out.

Have you ever had those days/weeks/months/years where you feel like you're moving blindly through life? I've experienced this feeling--going through the motions with no clear expectation of the results. However, it felt as though something was pushing me in a certain direction. Coming out on the other side is always humbling. You know, when you realize that God did know what He was doing after all. I think God uses these moments to strengthen my faith.

Most recently, this experience came through a mission trip to Varaždin, Croatia. About a year ago, a family from church returned from a two week trip visiting a congregation that the Manhattan Church of Christ supports.

Immediately upon their return, I felt a pull in my heart to do mission work. At that time, I had no idea where or what I was supposed to do, I just knew that I needed to spend a great deal of time in prayer about God's plans for me. So that's what I did. I started praying, and by the end of the year, Croatia was the answer provided to me. This was a defining moment in the many tests my faith has encountered over the years.

This wasn't practical! I'm a graduate student living on a graduate student budget. Where was the money going to come from? Flying to Europe is definitely not cheap, and I have never been great at budgeting for the long term.

Answer #1: A space was opened in the Financial Peace University class being offered through my church. Through what I learned and various donations received during this initial decision-making phase, I was able to set aside enough money to purchase a plane ticket.

Answer #2: Through outside donations from various fundraisers and a letter writing campaign, the remainder of our trip budget was covered.

It just got better from there. There were many people who doubted my ability to go on this trip. At one point, even their doubt caused me to question whether this was anopportunity God had laid before me or something that was my will only. This tormented me. It's hard to know that people don't believe in you, and it's especially hard to hear from others that by me making this decision to go to Croatia I was putting others in a precarious position. There were times when my thoughts turned to what I needed to do in order to prove those people wrong as opposed to what I needed to do in order to glorify God. However, there were a few key people (including those people whom I was told I was putting in a precarious position) who either said A) I believe in you or B) I believe in God enough to know that he wouldn't lead you somewhere you shouldn't be.

One thing that did not falter throughout this decision-making time was my willingness to remain in prayer about everything that was happening. Through that, I continued to feel this same strong pull--like my heart was already in Croatia waiting for me to meet up with it again. Finally, one day, I said a very different prayer asking God to provide me with a peace about this decision if it was, in fact, His will. I don't know if any of you have ever experienced God's immediate answer to a prayer, but I can say that I have now. The minute I uttered those words, I felt a wave of comfort come over me. It was a very physical experience, as I often experience emotions very physically. Imagine a shower of an analgesic pouring down over a hurting body. The anxiety and fear about my decision were suddenly non-existent. While they reared their ugly heads a few times between saying that prayer in March and landing in Zagreb in June, I innately knew what to do to relieve them.

Laura, Kristin, Matt, Molly, Rachel, Ray, and Jonathon

So on June 9, 2010, our group of 7 climbed onto a jet bound for Croatia (well, bound for New York then Prague then Croatia :). You can read about our trip here. From the moment we landed in Zagreb until the moment we landed back in Kansas City, I was never faced with the fear and doubt and anxiety that I had before the trip (and really for years before). Every morning that I woke up at Spomenka's home, I was humbled a little bit more by the reminder that God does, in fact, know exactly what He's doing. I've said it before, and I'll say it again.. God does not screw up.

Spomenka, also a very special friend

Mischief Managed

The masked crusader has struck again. Since May 2008, a war of wits has been in action. It all began with a trip across campus with a few pairs of shoes. Leah and I felt that the shoes needed some airing out, so we decided to take them for some pictures around K-State landmarks. This started an all out prank war with this crazy guy.


No one can say he is completely innocent. What followed the shoe trip was pretty hysterical. From the shrinking of a mattress (ask and I'll tell you how this is done) to license plates being frozen into blocks of ice in Operation Texas Tundra. The prank war died down as Leah and I moved away from Manhattan. Fortunately, this guy took it upon himself to attempt to capture David's most prized possession--his ruby red slippers.



Jeff was all together unsuccessful in capturing the red Pumas, but received a picture of them to take to Iowa after his graduation.

I am here to announce that during a routine foiling operation


The ruby red slippers were discovered. I had been informed that the slippers had moved to Wamego for safe keeping--but this was all a lie. As I moved a pile of clothes in order to foil the dresser, there they were. It was almost as if they were singing to me with a radiant light all around them. My heart began beating faster, and I knew that this would probably be my one and only opportunity to capture the shoes before David goes to Kenya. So I thought to myself, "Do I foil them, or do I take them?" Ultimately, the decision was made...

The ruby red slippers are mine. Now, I assure you that I will keep them safe during their capture. However, they are about to embark on a cross country tour. Everyone who has put in effort to borrow this crucial asset to David's wardrobe will get to have a short visit with them. I promise they will be safely returned soon....